Who Are You?

Our search for identity often begins in adolescence but is a life long process. When we introduce ourselves to others we sum up our identity in our name, our profession or relationship status, and our interests.

“Hi, I’m Jennifer. I’m a teacher and the mother of two little girls. I enjoy hiking and being outdoors.”

Sound familiar? It’s funny how we can provide information about ourselves without actually revealing anything at all. What do you really know about who Jennifer is as a person. We know what she does, but not who she is. This isn’t to say that we should dive deep with every person we meet. But often our relationships never leave this stage. We can talk to our co-workers, family, and friends without ever knowing who they really are. Possibly, they haven’t even taken the time to know themselves.

We tend to mistakenly define ourselves by our role or interests.

I’m a republican/democrat. I’m a sport fan. I’m an artist/musician. I’m an architect. I’m a stay-at-home mom/dad. I’m a man/woman/transgender. I’m a Virgo. I’m a student. The list is endless.

But truth be told, this is only a fraction of your identity. It’s the broad strokes we paint for other people, which allows their stereotypes to fill in the details. So why are we so angered when people draw the wrong conclusions about us? In reality, none of us can be contained by a label. Are your own incorrect assumptions and stereotypes standing your way?

“You don’t know anything about me!”

We are each wonderfully unique and complex individuals. Our different life experiences also give us different views of the world we live in. Our past has a direct effect on our present, and our present sets our course for the future. We should expect people will draw the wrong conclusions when we’re unwilling to share who we really are. stereotypes because we were all uniquely made and have a wide variety of life experiences.

Why is it so difficult to be REAL with others? The answer is Fear.

We fear being vulnerable because we might get hurt. We fear judgment. We fear rejection. We fear failure. We fear being inadequate. We fear conflict. When fear is the driving force in our lives we hide away a part of ourselves from the world, and choose what we show the rest of the world. This attempt to protect ourselves actually causes self-destruction.

Research shows secrets can make us lonely, anxious or depressed. They can even affect our physical health: secret-keeping is linked to an increase in stress hormones and a lower immune system response that makes us more likely to get sick. Thinking about a secret can create conflict between a person’s need to connect with others and the desire to keep their secret to hidden. Secrets invite isolation, but we weren’t made to live isolated from others.

“We want to confide and get the secret off our chests, but we also want to protect ourselves and our relationships. That conflict is what wears us down.” (Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Vol. 45, No. 7, 2019)

Ironically, this effort to protect ourselves and relationships actually causes harm to both. We want to be accepted for who we are, but that can’t happen if we keep part of ourselves hidden. Secrets form barriers that prevent us from getting close to other people in any meaningful way.

So what can we do about it? Jesus came to provide us with the answer.

The Word became flesh
    and made his home among us.
We have seen his glory,
    glory like that of a father’s only son,
        full of grace and truth. John 1:14

First, we have to begin with this truth.

We have all sinned and made wrong choices, but we don’t have to continue to live in them. We are never beyond redemption if we willing admit those mistakes and turn away from them. This is where grace comes in.